Abusing the Abuse

I've been there before- Kept in a situation that I did not want to be in, but that I was caught up in because I didn't know how to get out. My families well being was placed upon my shoulders, because my father put it there. My secret was kept because my family surely would have fallen apart if I had said anything. I had not even a journal that said anything about my father molesting me, because he said that everything would be ruinned if anyone found out. I kept it all inside, and soon began to rot from the inside out.

My father was very manipulative, and constantly justifying his actions against me. He said it wasn't him, but sin that dwells in him [derived from Paul's writings in the New Testament of the Bible]...that's why he had no control over it. I've since realized being out of my overly religious and isolated household that people really do have a choice, and that what happened to me was due to the fact that the most important man in my life- my own father- failed in taking responsibility for his life now matter what he had been through growing up.

The reason child abuse is wrong is because it hurts someone- scars that aren't removable. Sure, some of the hurt can heal, but those scars will always be there. The only way that a person is held accountable for how they've been hurt is if they use that hurt as an excuse and justification to hurt someone else [their own children someday, or someone else's].

As I hurt here moving forward, I know that I am doing everything in my power to get to the center of my problems so that I won't hurt anyone else down the road. I'm doing the very thing in my life at this point that my father never did growing up. I'm taking control over my life, and though I'll never have anything to do with my father again, I'm taking responsibility for my life now. Of course I don't take responsibility for what he's done to me. I could and shouldn't ever have to do that. That responsibility is his. But my responsibility now is to find ways to be healed and find ways to get rid of my bitterness so that I won't pass that on to someone else.

You choose your life. You have control over how it will end up. You have a choice, and sometimes choices are hard to make. I'm quite convinced that sin is selfish action. Sometimes you don't need to have any sort of contact with any other human for your thoughts and giving into certain things to be selfish actions. Let yourself feel the pain that you need to feel, because you need that to truly heal. But don't indulge in the depression, because when doing that for too long of a time, sometimes that bitterness will take over, and that is what will ultimately end up spilling into the lives of people around you if you are not careful.

Hang in there and keep strong because you really can make it, and with enough searching, you can find your happiness again. Sometimes it will be very hard, but it's in the very hardest times that you need to run even more, because those are the times that you are that much closer.

I was hurt because someone in my life did not take the chances he had to heal himself, so now I'm going to do what I can to heal so that I don't hurt someone else later on.